Reflection

I recently went through and read some of my old blog posts from last semester and I must say, I crack myself up! Hahaha

Death

I know the title is a bit morbid but as of recent it's something I think about. My uncle died about a month ago after an agonizing battle with a very degenerating disease. About 2 weeks later my best friends died killed himself , no clue why he just grabbed one of his guns and shot himself, he was 52 years old had 3 kids and 6 grandchildren and had recently retired he had no reason as far as the world can see to kill himself but yet he still did. This past weekend (8/18) a kid I went to high school with and whose patents are very good family friends died a horrible death after being in car accident and couldn't pull through all of his injurious. He was 21!
I feel like this whole death thing is just a weight pulling me down. I have no fear about my own death, I could find out in going to die tomorrow and I'd go home and spend the night playing with my pets, im fine with it. But the thought of someone else dying is mind numbing. My dad changes a light bulb and suddenly I'm afraid something will happen to him. My mom trips and I immediately become worried if she could be permanently hurt. Heck my midnight( the cat) is 12 years old and I've had her since I was in 2nd grade if I see her sleeping and not moving I have to wake her up to make sure she didn't pass away while I was gone.
My family tells me to stop worrying but it's not like them telling me that changes anything, I can't help it!
Death means something different to anyone. To some it's simply the end of life nothing after your dead, body in the earth, but for others it's just a step in life and after death they get to move onto a whole new life in rebirth, there are also people who believe after death they will meet St. Peter at the gates to heaven.
I don't know how I feel, what I think will happen. Until ABC finds away to send someone to death to record back for the 5 o'clock news I don't think anyone knows.
I know this is very dark and I'm sure in a few days I'll be back to normal, as long as no one else died between then. I think it just comes from almost losing both of my parents and just sitting in the hospital hallway praying to someone to save them. My dad also informed me if he ever got cancer he too would kill himself, gee dad that doesn't worry me at all!

Backslide

So I was watching an episode of Fox's show New Girl start Zoey Deschnel(i'm aware that was a fail in the spelling department) and the episode was all about backsliding. Going back with an ex, backsliding, even though you know, maybe you shouldnt. This is something I'm trying to figure out if i'm doing. I have reciently rekindled something with a sort of famous ex of mine and I don't think i'm backsliding. I mean i'm still aware of what happened and how things went down, but I also know that the person from five years ago is no longer around and I cant punish him for something he isn't even aware he did! I'm not going into detail because that is just to much and jsut incase someone randomly does stumble upon this I can have some things kept unknown.
I think I like him, I think he makes me happy. I know fer sure that I am happy. But i just don't know how real it is. I can't decide if i'm happy because of here and now or if it is my fourteen year old self that is the one whose excited because of all the old times.
I just know that I have to give it another shot, to give it everything I have because then I know that I can look back and said that I tried, I gave it everything I had and it still didnt work out and after this shot I had to just lay it downa and give up.
There is jsut something about this boy that makes my insides tingle and I just can not get enough of him no matter how hard I try.

**update** we ended up dating for almost 2 months and I realized he was a totally different guy from before with a whole new set of problems that I just can't deal with! He's an amazing guy but for someone else, not me

Needy

My friends always complain about guys being too needy. They always want to talk and actually likes to spend time with them. Now I always thought HOW IS THIS A BAD THING!!! I mean a guy that is willing to talk to want to talk and wants to spend time with you. I personally have found after my years in this dating world that these two things are a big problem!!
Until now that is because I have meet the neediest, annoying little brat of a man. Has to talk to me at all times gets mad if I don't text me cant stand not to see me. Ugh me makes me want to hurl

Fourteen

I feel like I'm a teenager again. I can talk to someone from my past and no matter how much things have changed, and trust me allot has, every time we talk I go right back to that young girl who gets giddy every time he smiles at me and it's just ridiculous that I can turn into this. I'm almost 20 years old I've had plenty of guys after him and I like to think of myself as a level headed person who is usually pretty confident. But not when it comes to you that's for sure.

My first doesn't get why it's bad she says I should enjoy the feeling but years of experience has shown me that it won't end well and that the feeling is just going to be short lived. That in my head i now start comparing this feeling to the one I get with other guys but there isn't a compare because this feeling is so deep rooted and only one other thing beats it and I'm not strong enough to go through that tonight.

Ugh well in a weeks time I will have found something else and he will begone along with my fourteen year old self that is forcing her way out will go away for a few more months atleast.

Dreams

Do you ever have a situation that you sort of created in your head? I seem to do that allot! Lately it's been with a guy I use to be really good friends with. We were great friends and got along awesomely. He was younger than me and had a crush on me as a kid. I of course had a thing for him because he was freaking adorable but he was two years younger then me and when ur like 13 years old, two years is a huge deal!!!! Like ginormous deal even now I really don't like 2 years but it's becoming a tad bit more deal able as I get older. Well looking back now all I can think of Is why did I think two years was such a big deal he was such a cute kid and now he is down right sexy! And has defiantly changed over the years.
In my head I'm that teenager and I've found him again and realized what I let get away and my mind is saying oh he must feel the same way I mean come on I'm such a catch( ha ha ha) but of course this isn't that catch!!! He is this studly hot smothering guy who his really tall and huge shoulders so of course he can have any blonde bikini wearing girl he wants, and he does!
So when I see him talking to a girl I just want to scream aggg he's mine!!!!!!! Well he's not but he should be!!! I need to stop letting my mind do this....................

Frustration.

I feel so discontented with everything right now, like everything in my life just feels like shit and nothing seems worth my time anymore. Im on my 4th semester of college doing 15 credit hours while working 4 to 5 days a week and I feel like I'm just walking in place. Like no matter how much work and effort I continue to put in I'm not getting anywhere. I'm still doing the same crappy job with the same crappy people. I'm still going to school everyday, doing all my homework turning everything in on time no matter what it takes but yet I still can't seem to get my grades where they need to be, but then Marly* and Kayla* go out and get drunk on the weekends smoking and partying life away but yet they are getting awesome grades without really any effort.
I went to the same high school as these girls, I took the same classes and listened to the same lectures but yet here I am and there they are! I just keep thinking once I go away to school it'll all get better but now I'm wondering if that's going to be the case, or if I'll Just continue to be lost some hundred miles away from home. I just want to go home and sleep.

* names changed for my safety, I don't these girls crappy football playing boy toys of the week coming after me for insulting their angels!

Tease

So my big pet peeve lately is teases! Guys who let you think you have a chance any as soon as you decided to take that chance it's like Woah! Hey now did you think that smile said I want to sleep with you because it really means I have a girlfriend and just think you're really nice. Please note ladies that we all know that these two smiles ARE THE SAME THING!!!! Or the guy who seems really nice and do fun to talk to and just as you think he may turn out to be really awesome boyfriend quality product, he's all hey so I'm just going to take my pants off and see what happens!

Then you have the other kinds of teasers like the boss who loves to point out everything you do wrong so when you finally do something right and you get really excited because maybe for once you will actually get oh say a "thank you" or maybe If they've had a few drinks or just got laid a "good job"!! But of course things never work out that way insted the remark is somewhere along the lines of " psh you think that's good, I could do it upside down while pouring coffe and giving that guy a blow job!"

I think I just need to finish my expresso and try to get something accomplished insted of bitching!

Dear mind, back the hell off!

Over thinking, this is something I do to such an extent that it actually gets in my way of living life. I can't gO out with friends because I just keep thinking about all this other stuff that have to do insted of going out with people. Even when I'm doing school work or such I just keep thinking about what else needs to be done once I'm done with this. I feel like if I don't get a hold on this while I'm still here at home, as a-posed to when I'm Away at school and will have even more distractions. I also Wonder if when I'm away at school that maybe it will be better because I will be away from my family and away from everything else that adds to this constant guilt and stress I have inside.

I just know this has to stop!

I want to live my life again, to be able to have the life of a typical college student I don't want to be out partying every night getting wasted to the point that I wake up in some hockey players closet with no pants and a very bad headache( ok so I guess if it's a cute hockey player it's ok) but you know what I mean! I want to have times where my mind can just shut off and I can simply focus on here and now, not what I need to accomplish tommrow.

Stupid Professors!

My biggest school related pet peeve...........teachers that cancel class...but dont have the decency to send you an email telling you first! So you still come to class all on time and everything just to find out its canceled so then your left to figure out what in the world you want to do for the next hour, in my case...............two hours! Thanks to the fact that I already have an hour break after this class, this left me with a two hour break to entertain myself at ICC. How hard is it teachers to pop in an email that says "Hey guys, I'm still a little drunk from the Super Bowl last night and i am going to be too busy puking to attend class today! See you on wednesday when i'm sobered up!" So there is my rant for the day.

I had to attach a picture of my baby girl, she insisted on "helping" me with typing this.

Sucky

I really do, truly suck at updating this thing and actually stick to what I say I am going to. If you are someone who happen to come across this I swear i'm not this gloom and doom. =] So I would life to dicuss something that has come into view for me.

Growing up my mom worked as a teller at a bank so every day she would get up do her make-up(were talking eyes, lashs, foundation, lips, the whole thing. She was just what I was use it, when we went on vacation we always had the little case that was titled "Mom's Face" and my brother and I's jobs as little kids was always to make sure we didn't forget "Mom's Face" and that was just normal too me growing up. As i got older my mom very early on let me explore with make-up and once I was in junior high she had me take lessons on how to apply make-up and such. To this day, if you ever see me out and I dont have my make-up on...somethings wrong. And to me, that is just normal! I'm almost 20 now and I have some friends that never wear make-up they just dont, they dont see the need for it and I noticed something else. Their mom's dont wear make-up! They never really have, besides special times.

Without my make-up on I really naked, I dont want people to look at me I'm not confident at all and just don't want to be seen at all! But my moms pretty much the same way. If we go grocery shopping she will start worrying if she looks ok and what people will see when they look at her. I of course things my mom looks fine without make-up and she thinks I look fine without it, but neither one of us is comfortable without are "faces" I hate it that my mom has such a low self esteem but I have reliezed that it has pasted onto me! My mom tells me all the time I need to be more confident and such, but if she isn't how can she expect me too?

The moral of this story is:

moms, how can you expect your daughters to have self esteem if you yourself doesnt?

Life

I really do suck at updating this thing, oh well my only follower doesnt even update her own so its not like this gets read at all. I sorta feel like i'm talking to myself on here.
So this pain, i can't get it out of my head, all i do is think about you, your face haunts me every time i close my eyes. Your voice wirls by me with the wind as I walk, always walking thinking if i keep going somewhere I will find the place where i am suppose to be. I'm so lost without you in my life i dont know what i'm doing, where i'm going, or how i'm suppose to keep going on with life like the time we shared never happened. When i was with you I was in this whole other world, this world where i was happy, things made sence, and i had you to lean on to help me through things. I want to talk to you again to hear you explain what i could have possibly done to deserve to be treated that way. Why did you have to lie? I really just want you to explain to me why you lied. You can't go from being totally happy to ending things, if there was doubt you should have told me!

DIYS Coming soon!

Dear whoever the heck reads this, aka me =]
I am going to be doing a DIY of one of the pieces I make very soon.
This will hopfully be up in the next few weeks I just need to decide which piece to do =]
Stay tunned
(maybe someone will actually read this....or not) =]

Chritmas

There are some parts of christmas time that i simply love! Decorating is one of them, and while i didn't really decorate this year, besides my chritmas tree covered in fushia, purple, blue and green ornaments. Being a college student living with her dad whos only home to sleep, i didn't really see the need. Working at target means i always see all the lovely decorations coming through, which fills me with ideas on what i would do some day when i do decorate. These arnt in any order & they also arn't ment to go together with each other. Just random things i find and love!


Pier1 Jeweled Ornaments Table Runner


Multicolored Sequined Garland
I would love to wrap this around my curtin rods or something, its just so fun.


Green Ornament Peace Wreath


Red Vases


Peacock Mirror


Peacock Wreath
I know this isnt christmas type, but i found it while looking online and i have to say, i love it!


Red Rose Stems
I would literly just stick these everywhere, on the tree in vases, on lights, everywhere!!


Tile Mirror
My mom use to have a bunch of small mirrors like this one that we would put under the vases and such and i have to say, i love the look of it!!


Candlesticks

I'm stopping for now since as the only girl in my family, i must now help my mom make her christmas lasgna.

Family Jewels

So in my 18 years on this planet i have learned a few things, one of them being that guys love their dicks and get some pleasure from taking pictures of them & sending them to us girls. Now i find guys very sexy and such but i dont get the appeal of their man hoods atleast the appearence of them. They spend their days flipping around between a guys legs and every once in awhile see the light of day for a guy to piss or jack off, sound attractive.

Luckly for the generation below me this wasnt such a problem seeing as technology wasnt what it is now. I wont go into details but many times in my life i have had guys either just randomly send me pictures of their man hood, or ask me if they could. Now given the choice i would rather they didnt send me them at all, because then they expect me to have some kind of responce to getting the picture. When in reality its just kind of blah. I know guys get off from seeing girls boobs & such but guys also masterbate a hell of alot more then girls, atleast thats how it seems to me.

So whats up with this guys? Are you looking for some kind of confidence boost? because if thats so then thats fine, just tell me ahead of time, oh & also explain the appropriate comments that should be made because i have a feeling, saying "Thats it?" wouldnt go over very well XD

*Love*

So since i've started doing my fall shopping and even though i know i cant afford like anything i still cant help looking through the big designers websites, some of my personal favorites are betsey johnson, michael kors and such. I just cant help but look at stuff i will never get lol I am in love with leather, studs, feather and layers!! Ive already bought a few staples for fall. A pair of leather studded boots. A military/cargo style jacket, a leather jacket, a ton of leggings since i love!!

School is super crazy, its like everything just hit all of the sudden & i never have anytime, ive taken it apon myself to make sure i take time off and write on here even if no one reads it. XD

The totally bad thing that sucks about living with my dad is that my kitty midnight is still at my moms. I might move her to my dads but shes alittle older and im afraid moving her to a differnt house would cause problems since shes been at my moms house with me her whole life and shes my baby =/ i kind of want a puppy though like a weiner dog or a french bulldog i love those kind of dogs. like a small dog thats not a yappy anoying little thing. i dont know what to do cause i miss midnight coming in and taking up my entire bed! =]

Lets try this again

So ive had this blog since the beginning of the year and at the time i was taking it in a different direction then i am now. I'm pretty much going us this to talk about whatever i feel like, maybe post some fun DIYS i do since i do love them so much. Well i dout anyone will read this(its not like anyone did last time) but what the hell.

My names clair, im an 18 year old college student who cant decide what the hell i want to study so im pretty much taking a bunch of random classes till i decide. Im a cashier at Target, i hate it there but atleast its a job. One of these days ill get fed up enough & quit. Atleast i get to work with some cute guys, which is of course a very big plus!! =D

Working at target isnt my only job, i also make and sell headbands, beanies, hair pins & such at this adorable little shop called At Rainbows End. I love doing it because its my kind of release. Most of my pieces i make have feathers and rosettes on them because that is the kind of stuff i like.

If you read this id like to know, even if your like "omfg this chick is crazy, she needs to shut the fuck up" lmao =)